love sick...

no really...by "love sick," i actually mean like sick...

love should not hurt....love should make you fly....make you feel like you could take on the world...like you have a zillion butterflies inside your little tummy....i mean, love may make you struggle, and it might make you work, but love should never actually hurt, or make you cry...

no one really knows what is going on in my life...no one knows of all the nights i spend with my face smashed into a pillow attempting to suppress the sound of my crying....no one knows of how many nights i spend alone in my bed wondering where my other half may be....or how his text messages are always carefully deleted and his phone is never left anywhere where i could touch it...or what it feels like to see that his myspace changes from in a relationship to single constantly....or worse, the nights when im sick and puking and just need someone to hold me close..but he isnt there and he never even calls...

but, despite all the shit, i still love him...i love him from the bottom of my heart...i do not talk about the way he hurts me....i cover up for him so ppl dont really know what its like...its killing me slowly from the inside....

he just told me today that he does not want to live with me anymore. our lease is up in october, leaving me about 2 months to figure out where i am going to be living...i do not understand this at all...i dont understand how in one breath he can be talking about marrying me, then in the next, he no longer wants to live with me...i completely understand that he may need space and whatnot, however, it does not make it easy for me considering the fact that i pretty much compromised all of my beliefs and the way i was raised to move in with him and live with him in the first place...now its like im being left all alone and i went through all that shit for nothing..

is he hiding something now?!?! what could make him turn like that?! and its not like he can even use the excuse that he feels trapped or something living here, considering the fact that he is hardly ever home....goes out quite a bit and i have never once stopped him...im the one picking him up at 2 am from the bars!!!! uggg.....

this is just really hard...the only time i spend with him is at night before we sleep and like an hour or two in the morning before he works....so my question is, when he moves an hour and a half away from me and right now our schedules already conflict when he sleeps right now next to me, when the hell are we going to see each other?!?!?!?!

i dont understand this!!!!!!

im hurt...im confused....and i dont know what to do...

generally, the suggestion i get is "dump him..."

however....when you love someone from the very tips of your toes...when your every thought is of them and you savor every time you get to hold them....it is not that easy....